Bartrand is his usual, grumpy self when we go to see him in the Merchants' District of Hightown, automatically assuming we're here to beg for a job as guards again. Then he sees Varric is with us, and realizes that this conversation is going to be a bigger headache than he thought. We shut him up by pulling out the Grey Wardens' maps of the Deep Roads plus 50 gold sovereigns to fund the expedition as his partner. Bartrand is skeptical at first, but Varric reminds him that this is exactly the opportunity he has been waiting for. The maps prove to be too valuable to refuse and he gruffly accepts our offer.
We hand him 50 gold and a legitimate treasure map, and he's complaining about it. Yeah, this guy is going to be a joy to travel with.
A few days later, Bartrand has assembled all of his hirelings and is giving an inspirational speech about deflowering the Deep Roads. It's possible we misunderstood the intent of this expedition, but it's too late to back out now. Before we can head out though, Hawke's mother shows up and begs us not to take Carver with us. Chickene is not entirely sure why she's concerned since Carver is a pain in the ass to deal with and we had no intention of bringing him. Carver is, predictably, annoyed with us because despite all his bluster about wanting to find his own path in life, he assumed he was going to be part of this Deep Roadshow. Chickene decides he just wants to make his mother happy and selects Fenris and Merrill to accompany him and Varric to the Deep Roads.
The Chantry inquisitor, Cassandra, interrupts the story again because she's convinced Hawke had some other motivation for going into the Deep Roads beyond getting rich. She also doesn't believe that it was a coincidence that we wound up working with the Grey Warden apostate, Anders. Varric ominously says that none of them knew what was waiting for us in the Deep Roads and asks Cassandra not to remind him that he was the one who introduced Hawke to Anders in the first place. Cassandra decides this is enough plot exposition for now, and lets Varric continue.
We catch up with Hawke and friends early in their expedition, where they have already found their path blocked by debris. Bartrand does not take this well, to put it mildly, and orders the whole expedition to set up camp. Varric calms him down somewhat and says he and Chickene will find a way around this bothersome little cave-in. Bartrand is too annoyed to contradict his little brother, and sends us off.
Like I said, a joy to travel with.
Before we can start exploring however, Bodahn Feddic (who has also signed on with this expedition for reasons unknown) stops us to say that his son Sandal has wandered off. Sandal is a bit whimsical in the brainpan but he has a useful talent for enchanting weapons and armor, so we tell Bodahn we'll look for the kid.
"Umm, humans? I don't want to be a bother, but... my nose REALLY itches. If one of you could just...?"
Several darkspawn are glowing with a magical white light, seemingly frozen in time. In the middle of them stands Sandal, nonchalantly scratching his ass. Chickene asks him what the hell happened and Sandal's only reply is to hand him a stone and say "boom." Chickene politely asks him to clarify but all he says is, it's "not enchantment."
We back away slowly from the increasingly creepy dwarven man-child and run straight into a dragon's lair. This beast has plenty of hit points and minions, but it's not a high dragon and it's no match for a pair of mages, an elf with anger issues and a crossbow named Bianca. Upon defeating it, we find spiffy new robes for Chickene and a tunnel that bypasses the cave-in that's holding up the expedition. Time to head back and tell Bartrand the good news, before the darkspawn change their minds about not being so annoying. We also reunite Bodahn with his son, and he says he'll find a way to repay us for this great debt he now owes us. Chickene brusquely replies that he doesn't believe this false gratitude, but Bodahn is sincere and assures us he'll think of something.
Because when someone says they owe you a great debt and want to repay you, the first thing you should do is mock them.
Now that a path has been found, the expedition continues through the Deep Roads until we reach our goal: an elaborate dwarven ruin unlike anything else we've seen underground. Bartrand, sounding dazed, says he came here based on rumors about a great treasure from a group of dwarves who barely made it out of the Deep Roads alive, but this is beyond his expectations. The expedition splits up to maximize their chances of finding precious things, including Hawke and company who head to an ancient temple of some kind. It's not long before we find something valuable... an idol made of pure lyrium. Varric grabs it, tells his brother the good news and tosses him the relic. Bartrand tells us to keep looking in a suspicious tone of voice, then seals us inside the temple.
I'm sure the ominous, evil glow of the idol has nothing to do with this sudden change of heart.
Varric curses his brother for succumbing to greed, but there's a back door to this temple and we're hoping it leads to another exit. We're also hoping that stepping foot inside this ancient temple hasn't awoken an equally ancient evil, but what kind of RPG would this be if that was true? Deeper into the ruins, we find ourselves coming under attack by the rocks themselves. Specifically, humanoid-shaped creatures made of rock shards held together with electric red magical energy. Varric identifies them as rock wraiths, but thought they were only myths. Naturally, it's only a matter of time before we run into a bigger one.
In a large antechamber, we find a big rock wraith that apparently knows how to talk. It refers to the creatures we've been fighting as the Profane and when Chickene asks what they are, it simply replies, "they hunger." We're convinced that Sinistar is somehow involved at this point and start looking around desperately for Sinibombs, until Merrill informs us this is just a hunger demon. The demon continues, saying it knows we're seeking a way out and it can provide that for us, and all it asks in return is that we allow it to continue feasting with these creatures. Chickene tells it we're not going to play its hunger game (a bad joke Merrill totally disapproves of) and we destroy it.
"You will pay for your insolence. By which I mean, the city of Kirkwall levies heavy taxes on imported dwarven artifacts."
Having defeated a demon and feeling confident that nothing else can go wrong, Hawke leads his party deeper into the temple and quickly discovers that yes, rock wraiths come in even bigger sizes. Several rocks in the next room coalesce into a large mass wearing a name tag identifying it as an "Ancient Rock Wraith" and the boss fight begins. This being can not only hit as hard as its little brothers, it can also channel its energy to create a dazzling laser light show that deals massive damage to party members' retinas if they look directly at it. Thankfully, our companions' AI is smart enough to duck behind a stone pillar with us when this attack occurs. Chickene finally makes good use of his healing spells as he and his companions put the wraith through the rock tumbler and reduce it to harmless, tastefully polished pebbles.
In the adjacent room, we discover that this ancient rock wraith had assembled a treasure collection even greater than the dragon's little horde. Varric remarks on his brother's stupidity again by saying that this is worth far more than the lyrium idol he walked away with. Shortly thereafter, we discover a path that will lead us out of the Deep Roads and back to Kirkwall with our hides and our profits fully intact. Varric is relieved, but is still hoping to stumble over Bartrand's dead body on the way out.
The game skips the long journey back to Kirkwall and takes Chickene back to Gamlen's dingy hovel in Lowtown so he can tell his mother the good news. We open the door to see Carver is here, too... and he's wearing some new, familiar-looking armor. It turns out that when we decided not to take him with us, he figured out the best way to make a name for himself in Kirkwall: as a member of the Templars. He tells us to not even bother trying to talk him out of it. Chickene assures him that he doesn't give a damn what Carver does with his life. Besides, we've done the Templars' work for them on several occasions, they've never outed us as an apostate, and they actually pay us! They're practically allies at this point; having a family member in the order just shores up that relationship. Leandra Hawke is still distraught, but we have plans to buy her something nice to cheer her up.
"Andraste's tits. I'm only upset because the ugliest of my three kids is the one I'm going to have to see every day."
Thus ends chapter one of Dragon Age II! In the next chapter, you all can look forward to the Qunari continuing to be problematic, the mages and Templars continuing to be at odds with one another, and Chickene compulsively being rude to his friends and people who need his help. Will there be romance as well? Perhaps. There's always the Blooming Rose, after all.
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