Dragon Age II Playthrough - The Cat That Swallowed the Qunari

Chickene finds himself in the keep once again, as Viscount Dumar tells us that his son Seamus has decided to convert to the Qun and he wants us to talk him out of it. Hawke kindly points out that Seamus is a full-grown man and has the right to make that choice, but the Viscount says the political consequences are too great to allow that. So, Hawke rudely asks if he'd like us to drag him out of the compound in front of the Arishok. The viscount is, for some reason, still convinced that we can diplomatically persuade Seamus or the Arishok to play along and sends us on our way. Great.

 

Contempt and an air of superiority. Two ingredients not commonly found in a recipe for success.

 

Later at the Qunari Compound, where Chickene broaches the topic of Seamus politely, the Arishok says Seamus came to him as a willing convert and will not turn him away. Chickene accuses him of trying to find human soldiers to replace dead Qunari, but the Arishok insists they only do that to prisoners. He then cuts to the chase and says Seamus isn't even here... apparently he agreed to meet the viscount at the Chantry. Chickene and the Arishok both suspect Mother Petrice of meddling again. Hawke resolves to kill her this time and the Arishok says this is the only outcome he'll accept for someone who threatens Qunari converts.

Back to the Chantry we go. The good news is, we find Seamus right away. The bad news is, Petrice's zealots have already killed him and now she has showed up with a large group of her "faithful" to frame us for the murder. I guess it's a good thing that we already decided to kill her... unfortunately, she throws her followers at us and runs off again. Even with a couple of Templars in the group, it's not a difficult fight but this was just a means to an end for Petrice.

 

In Mass Effect 2, they introduced a "dialogue interrupt" system in which you could cut a conversation short and act.
...Why BioWare didn't include it here, and let me punch Mother Petrice like she's a tabloid journalist, I don't know.

 

By the time we're through dealing with the zealots, Mother Petrice is coming down the stairs with Grand Cleric Elthina herself. Petrice is already telling her how Chickene has gone on a killing spree exactly as she predicted, but we note that Elthina replies that she predicted it "all too well". We politely state our case, that Petrice killed Seamus to stir up anti-Qunari sentiments. Petrice can't help but start talking about how bad the Qunari are and Hawke angrily calls her out on her hatred. Elthina has heard enough. She chastises Petrice for crossing a line and says she'll be put on trial for this.

A Qunari lurking in the shadows disagrees with Elthina, though. While Petrice stares in shock as the Grand Cleric heads back upstairs, the Qunari fires two arrows into Petrice and leaves. Elthina suggests we get the viscount, so we do. He has little to say however, apart from stating that he can no longer be the leader Kirkwall needs now that his son is dead. We leave him to his grief and as we exit the Chantry, Aveline says there's a matter we need to discuss given the fact that things have gotten this bad.

 

Maybe you could let a balding nobleman who's totally not a mage give it a try? Just sayin'.

Chickene agrees to meet Aveline at his manor, but she's not the only guest we have. Isabela has chosen this moment to ask us for a favor too, and insists she's going to die if we don't help. Said favor turns out to be retrieving a relic that her old boss wants, which is being sold to Tevinter magisters tonight. Aveline, on the other hand, says she needs to talk to the Arishok about some elf fugitives who are trying to escape justice by converting to the Qun. She reasons that the city will riot if the citizens believe the Qunari are above the law, and Chickene agrees that's more important. Isabela vaguely suggests her relic might help with the Qunari too. We tell her to stop being so selfish but Aveline concedes that if there's any chance the relic can appease the Arishok, it would be good to retrieve it. So, we decide to follow Isabela to Lowtown.

Merrill and Aveline accompany Hawke and Isabela to Lowtown, and they run into Qunari almost immediately. They assume we have the relic and attack, which is certainly an auspicious start. Chickene politely asks Isabela to explain what this relic's connection to the Qunari is so we know what we're dealing with, and she finally admits it's the sacred Qunari relic that the Arishok is refusing to leave without. Chickene explodes, accusing Isabela of hiding the truth the whole time and telling her in no uncertain terms that the relic is going back to them. Isabela's not happy since she's convinced Castillon will hunt her down and kill her without it, but she eventually stops arguing and we go inside the nearby Foundry.

 

With that, Isabela goes from "not particularly useful" to "person we have burning hate for" in a heartbeat.

As we arrive on the scene, the seller is getting ready to hand the relic over to the Tevinter buyers. We approach at the same time as a group of Qunari warriors who shout at the Tevinters to back off. The mages draw their staves, the seller runs off with the relic, and Isabela breaks rank to pursue him. Now Chickene has to deal with an angry group of Tevinters and Qunari with just Aveline and Merrill to back him up. Naturally, by the time we've finished dealing with that hostility, we run outside to find the seller dead and his pockets empty except for a note from Isabela. In it, she tells us she's run off with the relic and doesn't intend to come back. She also apologizes for lying again, but it's small consolation for Hawke and Aveline, who have to deal with the Arishok under even less fortunate circumstances.

Reluctantly, Aveline asks for an audience with the Arishok the next morning with Hawke and a small group of her guards. We approach to find that the Qunari leader is carrying a massive axe on his shoulder, which certainly can't be a good sign. Aveline asks about the fugitives, so the Arishok brings out his two elven converts and asks them to confess to their crimes. One of the elves says a guardsman forced himself on his sister, so he and his friends murdered him for revenge. Chickene remains stern and says we're just here for the elves, not to debate culpability. Surprisingly, the Arishok asks Chickene what he would do if their positions were reversed. Chickene kindly suggests that he would leave peacefully. The Arishok disagrees, stating he cannot leave without his relic and he cannot stay while remaining blind to the disorder. So, he orders his warriors to attack us and the Qunari seige of Kirkwall begins.

 

Admittedly, this guy would probably do a better job at keeping order than the Viscount or the Knight-Commander.

Chickene and Aveline manage to slip out of the docks and regroup in Lowtown. Fighting can be heard throughout the city and Aveline suggests the Arishok has been planning this for a while. With her guardsmen otherwise occupied, she sticks with Hawke, Fenris and Varric to defend the area against the Qunari. There are plenty to be found in Lowtown, too. Horned warriors come from all corners of the slums to attack and progress is slow from one end of Lowtown to the other. As we reach the outskirts of Hightown, we find a small group of Grey Wardens who were caught up in the sudden uprising, who say they cannot help us fight but they will spread the word across the Free Marches in case the worst happens and Kirkwall falls.

Our group continues to the market district of Hightown, where the Qunari are dragging citizens toward the keep and they've let their Saarebas mages off their leashes to make that job easier. We encounter a particularly nasty one who seems ready to do major damage to Chickene, but he's put to a stop by a woman with a large sword and full plate armor. She introduces herself as Meredith, Knight-Commander of the Templars, recognizes us as Ser Carver's brother and says it's strange that he never mentioned us. We tell her about the hostage taking and say we want to stop it, so Meredith says she'll overlook our use of magic for now. We go our separate ways and find plenty more Qunari, including a few Saarebas, on our way to the keep but we eventually find ourselves there.

 

Carver appears briefly to remind you that he's not among your growing number of dead family members.

We clear out a large number of Qunari just outside the keep and find an older, elven mage rising unsteadily to his feet among the dead. This turns out to be Orsinio, First Enchanter of the Circle. Unfortunately for him, he's the sole survivor of a group of mages who were in the area and his mood doesn't improve when Meredith arrives on the scene. She's determined to go on the offensive while the Qunari are scattered throughout the city, but Orsinio refuses to take orders from her. So, Chickene decides to bark orders instead and tells the two of them that rescuing the hostages in the keep should be the top priority. Meredith agrees to follow this lead for now, and we all advance up the stairs to the keep.

 

I'm sure Meredith wants you dead, Orsinio, but seeing how useless you were against Qunari, she may not have to wait long. 

Qunari resistance is heavy and Orsinio is unsure about engaging them directly, but Meredith and Chickene opt for the direct approach. With a group of Templars backing us up, the fight is not too difficult and a path is cleared to the throne room. Meredith tells us to go ahead while she and her Templars hold the entrance. Chickene walks in to see the Arishok throw the Viscount's head at an assembled group of nobles, and a Qunari snapping one man's neck when he calls them monsters. Chickene confronts the Arishok, who says we must prove our worth before directing his honor guard to attack us. They're not any tougher than the warriors we fought to get here, though.

 

The Arishok, now calling us basalit-an for some reason, asks us how we propose to end this conflict. Chickene replies that he'd really like to hunt Isabela down and get the relic back. The Arishok says it's too late for that and intends to make us pay for our follower's crime. Fenris, however, knows what the term basalit-an means and says this gives us the right to duel the Arishok. If we win, the Qunari will leave without resistance... however, it means a squishy mage has to fight a beefy warrior, one on one. That's a horrible idea; but Chickene's never been one for rationality.

 

I'd like to end this conflict amiably, over tea and crumpets, followed by a nice tiramisu.

...Damn it all, what do you mean that's not one of my dialogue options?

The only thing keeping Chickene alive in this duel is his powerful healing aura that rapidly regenerates his health. Unfortunately, as long as it's active, we lose access to our few offensive spells like spirit bolt and walking bomb. So the duel consists of Chickene running around, hoping not to get his head cut off, taking little shots at the Arishok with his staff and casting haste when he can. It's a long and fairly ridiculous battle, but the Arishok's health is finally chipped away and Hawke is victorious.

"Damn you, Hawke. Don't you know that killing is basically the only thing I can do well?"

 

Even Cassandra points out that this is an unlikely part of Varric's story, but the nobles cheer as Chickene deals with his massive chest pains. Meredith enters to see that there is no glory for her to claim and shoots us a brief, but nasty glare. She then hails us as Kirkwall's new champion and act two comes to a close. It wasn't pretty, but Chickene finally managed to do something that was worthy of respect. When his story continues, however, we'll see that the Qunari revolt was merely a precursor to a much larger conflict.

Dragon Age II Playthrough - Another Fine Mess

Hawke learned through his connections in the Viscount's Keep that some extremists have decided to kidnap a Qunari delegation and while stopping in the Hanged Man for a drink, he overhears a man named Orwald bragging about his involvement in that matter. We decide to treat the patrons to a good old-fashioned tavern brawl and a short time later, the drunken braggart and his friends are dead. Searching their bodies, we find out that not only are their boasts true, but their actions were apparently carried out on the orders of a templar with the sanction of the Grand Cleric herself. Naturally, Chickene is going to storm into the Chantry to try and get some answers.

Aveline is less than pleased with the idea of accompanying Hawke to accuse the Grand Cleric of funding zealots, but since she's the only good tank available to us, we tell her to deal with it. Fortunately for Aveline, the Grand Cleric doesn't grant an audience to just anyone but a familiar face comes to greet us instead. Mother Petrice, who we met in Act One as Sister Petrice when she tried to get us killed smuggling a Qunari mage out of the city, asks us what we're doing here. Chickene gruffly tells her that the Grand Cleric is condoning kidnapping. Petrice is skeptical, but when we mention the orders with the appropriate seal, she hesitates. Hawke discerns that Petrice knew about this, so she makes us a deal. She tells us the Qunari were abducted by her former bodyguard, Ser Varnell, but he's not marching to her tune as closely as he should be these days. Petrice offers to lead us to him as a peace offering and we accept, since this is really our only option.

"Go ahead and kill my most trusted collaborator, and I promise I won't try to seek revenge later."

We head to Darktown, a place that even Varric says we should spend as little time in as possible, and locate the entrance to the tunnel where the Secret Qunari-Hating Club is meeting. Sure enough, a Templar is standing in front of a group of bound Qunari and ranting to his supporters about their evil ways. Mother Petrice is true to her word and appears by our side, trying to intimidate her former bodyguard into backing down. He's too consumed by his zeal to listen, so Chickene invites him to fight someone who's not tied up. The Templar obliges, but not before killing the entire Qunari delegation.

One fight later, Mother Petrice has made herself scarce and Hawke has some more bad news to deliver. Viscount Dumar himself makes an appearance in the undercity to confirm these are the delegates he's looking for. He's satisfied that we killed the extremists but is unsure of how to deal with the Arishok over this. Chickene tells him that the Arishok is sure to find out eventually and the Viscount had better be honest. He thanks Hawke for his advice, and we part ways for now.

"First, an impending Qunari revolt, then a dead Templar, and now I have undercity filth on my boots."

With that settled, we turn our attention to a Templar who we actually kind of like: Ser Emeric, the man who was investigating Ninette's disappearance and the connection to women murdered in Act One. He's still trying to track down the killer, but has managed to earn the ire of Knight-Commander Meredith with his investigation of an influential noble named Gascard DuPuis. We meet him in the Gallows, where he asks us to break into DuPuis'  house again. Aveline points out that her guardsmen already raided the house on his suggestion and found nothing, but he insists that DuPuis is hiding something. Since Hawke has nothing better to do, he agrees.

Upon entering the Hightown mansion that evening, we're immediately assaulted by Shades and a Lesser Rage Demon. Either the guardsmen are less thorough than Aveline would like us to believe, or DuPuis has suddenly decided to put up a bunch of magical defenses. Since the only way to find out is to ask him, we vanquish every nasty Fade spirit in our path and find DuPuis in the master bedroom, standing over a terrified-looking woman. He sees us enter and says he knows this looks bad, but he's not a killer. Chickene lets him talk, more out of curiosity to hear his bad excuse than anything else (Varric even bets us 20 silver he'll blame a one-armed man).

Chickene calls out Gascard for being a liar. The irony is almost palpable.

Gascard's story is believable, though: his sister was murdered a few years back after receiving a bouquet of white lilies, and he's using this woman as bait since she too received such a bouquet. The woman says Gascard hurt her, and he tries to explain that he just needed some of her blood. We ask him if that's blood magic and he says yes, he had to augment his powers with forbidden magic to avenge his sister. Chickene's not sure if he's the killer or not, but he just outed himself as a demon-summoning maleficarum and we only let Merrill get away with that crap.

After chasing Gascard through his mansion and killing him, we head back to the Gallows to tell Emeric the semi-good news. He's not there though, and one of his fellow Templars is confused because we told him to meet us tonight. Chickene asks to see the letter, and confirms that he didn't write it. So, we rush to the blind alley that Emeric was told to go to, but find that we're too late. A shade has already killed him and there's a group of other demons alongside it that attack us, too. Once the actual fighting is over, our new Templar friend rushes in and asks us about Emeric's last lead, Gascard. We inform her that we already killed him, so he can't be responsible. She says she'll report this to Meredith in Emeric's stead, and we walk away from yet another disappointing outcome.

The Templars' heraldry, called the "Silver Sword of Mercy", really ought to be re-named.

Given how ineffective they are, "Tin Butter Knife of Ineptitude" would be more accurate.

Just when it seems things couldn't get worse, we return to our manor to find Uncle Gamlen inside. Chickene prepares to shake him down and check his pockets for silverware, but Gamlen says he's here because our mother Leandra missed their weekly get-together. Bodahn says he hasn't seen her all day either, but suggest she might be with her suitor because someone sent her a bouquet of white lilies. Chickene recognizes this as one of the few things Gascard DuPuis said that he actually believed. We tell Gamlen about the possibility of a serial killer and he agrees that we should look for Leandra in Lowtown tonight, once the crowds have thinned out.

Later, we catch up with Gamlen as he's trying to get information out of a street urchin. The youth is reluctant to give information at first, since Gamlen isn't rich enough to bribe anyone, but is much more helpful when Chickene tosses coins his way. We learn that Leandra stopped to help an injured man who was bleeding, and he led her deeper into Lowtown. There's still a blood trail too, which we follow to a familiar-looking foundry where we found Ninette's body in the previous act. With no time to lose, Chickene rushes into the foundry and is confronted by more demons. We eliminate them all and Chickene runs over to inspect a woman's body nearby, only to find that it is the woman Gascard was using as bait earlier, so we move on.

Hawke discovers a macabre shrine, and Merrill actually says it's "pretty".

...You know why we're ignoring the romance options in this game? Because of moments like THAT.

The killer's lair is about as disturbing as one would expect. There are a series of notes talking about preserving body parts, discarded books about evil magic including necromancy, and a shrine to a woman who looks strikingly similar to Leandra. Eventually, we come face to face with the madman behind all this: an older mage standing near a tall chair with a woman sitting in it. He tells us that our mother was chosen for a divine experiment that allowed him to bring his wife back from the dead. Specifically, he took body parts from a number of women to get his dead wife's specific features right and chose Leandra's head since she's the spitting image of the dead woman. As he finishes, his flesh golem rises to stand by his side.

This guy is definitely in the running for "character we want to kill the most".

The ensuing battle is arduous, as this mage has killed many women and corrupted versions of their spirits are summoned to attack us. Those spirits are in addition to the regular swarms of shades and reanimated corpses at his command. Chickene's aura, which heals over time, comes in handy during this fight, and so does his dispel magic ability once the killer is weakened enough to be the target of our attacks. The mage takes enough damage to be knocked down when Chickene strips him of his spells and he's an easy target to be finished off by Aveline and Varric from there. Unfortunately, his magic dies with him. The walking corpse with Leandra's head takes a couple of shambling steps before collapsing into Chickene's arms.

Leandra has temporarily regained her senses and thanks her son for doing what he had to do. She is free of the serial killer mage's control and is at peace, knowing she will see Bethany again soon. Chickene tells her that he failed her, but Leandra tells him it wasn't his fault and she's always been proud of him. After that, her life slips away and Chickene is left to deal with not only another failed mission, but his Uncle Gamlen.

Well, at least she died as she lived: in a wedding dress, stitched together with a dozen other women.

...This is exactly why we let Varric handle all the narration duties.

Gamlen is beside himself over Leandra's death and demands to know what happened. Chickene tells him the truth, which only makes things worse. He rants for a while about the evils of magic, which Chickene takes offense to but Gamlen refuses to apologize for it. He then says he'll go to the Gallows to inform our brother Carver personally. Chickene is finally left alone in the manor, though Aveline stops by briefly to say we'll know where to find her if we need to talk.

So, you'd think this would be the lowest point of the game. The Qunari situation is degrading, we keep showing up to solve problems after it's too late to save people and to top it all off, our mom was just murdered. Surely things can only go uphill from here? Not so much. Another letter from the viscount just arrived and Hawke has learned that once again, he needs our help in dealing with a delicate, Qunari-related situation... and we all know how well that has worked out so far.

Dragon Age II Playthrough - With Friends Like These, Who Needs Side Quests?

Now that Hawke's companions have discovered that they can get Chickene to do things as long as they make it sound important, they're lining up for their turn in the "Companion Quest" list. Fenris makes his demand first because while we were out on the Wounded Coast, clearing a path for Aveline and Donnic's romantic stroll, Tevinter slavers noticed that we were traveling with a distinctly glowing elf and attacked. Our angry elf notices that they're led by Hadriana, the star apprentice of his former master, Danarius. Now that they've openly attacked him, Fenris is determined to attack them right back and tells Hawke we must track them down immediately. Chickene says he'll get to it... but is distracted soon afterwards.

Varric wants to meet us at the Hanged Man, and he tells us with suppressed, murderous glee that his sources say Bartrand is back in Kirkwall. His treacherous brother is holed up in a Hightown mansion and receiving secret deliveries for unknown purposes. Chickene is still annoyed about being left to die in the Deep Roads and agrees it's time for a little family reunion. So Fenris' bloodlust is superceded by Varric's as Hawke accompanies him to Hightown along with Merrill and Aveline.

"Ha! I told Broody that Hawke would do my favor first! That elf owes me a drink."

Finding the mansion isn't difficult, but it appears to be completely abandoned when we get there. Our narrator is confused but confident in his information, so Hawke says the least we can do is ransack this manor since we've come all this way. Varric leads us inside and is immediately confronted by half a dozen guards. Confidently drawing his crossbow, he invites the guards to dance with him and starts killing everything in the room with a single shot. He eventually finds three guards standing in a doorway and fires a bolt that kills all three of them, in a row. Clearly bested, Bartrand begs Varric for mercy and confesses that mother always loved him best.

We cut back to Varric telling the story to the Chantry Seeker, who looks thoroughly unimpressed. The dwarf tries to weasel his way out of telling what is sure to be an uncomfortable story, but she's not having it. So we return to the mansion, and this time Hawke is leading the charge. There are still plenty of guards, along with plenty of crates, broken decorations and other junk. Occasionally, we find a chest with actual valuables inside, but there's no sign of Bartrand... until we clear all the guards out of the main hall and an unarmed dwarf comes out of hiding.

A statue that sings? Maybe it should be on American Idol.

Varric recognizes him as Bartrand's steward and asks Chickene not to flay his soul just yet. The steward tells us the idol was driving Bartrand mad and sold it in the hope it would stop "singing" to him. Unfortunately, he slipped further into insanity once the idol was gone and he hasn't been seen since he locked himself in a room with all his servants about a week ago. Tired of fighting through waves of crazed mercenaries, Chickene says he's going to put an end to this and he and Varric kick down the door in question.

Bartrand seems to have gained significant fighting abilities, as well as teleportation since last we saw him. He summons even more guards to defend him but Hawke's healing aura keeps everyone healthy as the guards are dispatched and Bartrand is beaten into submission. While no longer aggressive, Bartrand is no saner than before and asks Varric to help him find the idol, completely unaware of the fact that he left us to die over it. Varric realizes that his brother is too far gone to tell him why he did it and decides death would be a mercy at this point. Hawke suggests that maybe Varric doesn't want that blood on his hands but he replies that too many people have died already because of Bartrand's madness, so Chickene tells him to make it quick.

Ooh, is this a guessing game? I'm gonna say... 27!

Varric hasn't found much peace by dealing with his brother, but he's in a better mood than Fenris is about to be in. Hawke is heading to Lowtown's alienage to hear what Merrill has to say when Hadriana shows up along with her slaver buddies to attack us again. Fenris refuses to submit, as usual, and Hadriana retreats while we execute her minions. Our elf warrior yells at Hawke immediately after the last of them are defeated, asking us, what part of "immediately" did we not understand? Chickene apologizes, saying he didn't realize that this quest was time-sensitive because so far, it's been the only one in the game that actually is. Fenris chastises us for not trusting the game developers and says if we don't take him seriously, he's going to leave. So, we head back to the Wounded Coast to prevent that from happening.

The path to the Tevinter slavers' hideout is short but thick with enemies, and Fenris stops us at the entrance to the cave to tell us we need to be careful because mages are dangerous and stuff. Chickene is sick of Fenris' attitude and says we're just going to kill everything inside like we always do. Shrugging, he follows us as we navigate twisting, trap-filled corridors with slavers waiting in ambush positions. Some lesser mages lead the groups and keep themselves protected with spells, but Hawke has just upgraded his dispel magic ability and can damage enemy casters by removing their beneficial spells. Mages who have been knocked down and stripped of their best defenses don't last long against Aveline and Fenris. Our bloody march continues until we find an unarmed elf surrounded by slavers in a large antechamber.

I was tempted to say this to him just because of his poor attitude during the whole quest.

Once the slavers are dead, the elf girl, Orana, tells us that she and her fellow slaves were reasonably well-treated until recently, when Hadriana started killing them with blood magic to gain power for an upcoming fight. She's the last of her group and has nowhere to go, so Chickene tells her to go to his manor in Hightown and he'll help her out. Fenris remarks, in an icy tone, that he didn't know we were in the market for a slave. We tell him we have no intention of actually keeping her a slave, and he apologizes. Then we move on to Hadriana herself, who has plenty of guards and the ability to summon undead and lesser demons. All things considered though, her tactics aren't much better than the mages we just eliminated, so defeating her isn't difficult.

Fenris moves in for the killing blow, but Hadriana says she'll trade her life for information. Our elf isn't interested, until she says she can help him find his sister, who he doesn't even remember. Hawke asks if she can prove she isn't lying, but she just laughs and says she can't. So, we let Fenris decide what he wants to do. He kneels down and politely asks for the information, which Hadriana provides. Then Fenris punches a hole straight through her chest, killing her. Chickene nods in approval and says he would have done the same, but Fenris isn't amused. He rants about how this is probably a trap and that magic ruins everything. We tell him not to forget he's talking to a mage, and he says he hasn't before storming out of the hideout.

Fenris forgets, however, that Hawke was going to give him a ride back to Kirkwall. Here he is waiting for a bus.

After Chickene is finished taking the valuables off of the slavers' bodies, he returns to his manor to find an apologetic Fenris, who says seeing Hadriana again filled him with a hate that she bred into him, and lost control. Chickene's no stranger to irrationality and says Fenris doesn't need to apologize. We then ask him if he's going to follow up on this information about a sister, but Fenris hasn't decided yet. After he leaves, Bodahn informs us that Orana is here and, as promised, we tell her that she can stay in the manor as a paid servant, not a slave. Hawke's mother is still not particularly impressed by this idea.

Regardless, it's time to get back to that rendezvous with Merrill we had planned earlier. Our Dalish blood mage says she has something to show us and points us to an ornate, but broken mirror. Chickene kindly points out that there are no reflections and Merrill explains it's an ancient Dalish mirror called an eluvian, which the clans used to communicate with each other over long distances. She found it while trying to find a missing Dalish scout... his trail ended at the mirror and she never found a body. Chickene pounces on this and calls her a fool for bringing a killer mirror into her house. Merrill insists it's not evil, but wants our help in getting a magic knife from her old clan because Keeper Marethari still has this crazy idea that Merrill's flippant attitude toward demons is a bad thing. Hawke reluctantly agrees to help.

"Andaran Atish'an. Here's generic RPG quest #6. Now get moving. It's cold out here, and this outfit doesn't help."

The two of them head to Sundermount along with Aveline and Varric. Marethari is happy to see Merrill and assumes she has finally given up her foolish notion that demons are better than Dalish. Merrill disappoints her by invoking a Dalish rite entitling her to a favor of her choice if we perform a task of the Keeper's choosing. Marethari wearily admits that Merrill is allowed to do this and asks us to exterminate a menacing creature called a Varterrel that has killed a few of her hunters recently. Hawke accepts this task and heads into a nearby cave where the Varterrel and an embarassment of spiders lay in wait.

The cave is littered not only with spider ambushes, but also the bodies of Dalish hunters who have ventured here before us. Chickene remarks on the fact that the Keeper seems to have sent these elves to their deaths, but Merrill says the Varterrel isn't normally hostile and something must have provoked it. We're unconcerned with that mystery though, since our quest is to kill the beastie, not negotiate peace with it. Eventually, we find a surviving Dalish hunter among the bodies of his clan members but as soon as he sees that Merrill is with us, he tells us to stay back. Chickene yells at him at him for being foolish, and he runs off... right into the waiting pincers of the Varterrel.

"What? My name's not Pol! ...Oh, you're talking to my lunch. This is awkward."

This giant arachnid looks imposing and can summon plenty of spider allies to distract us, so Chickene stays close to his allies and keeps his Healing Aura active. Varric and Merrill need a little extra healing despite that, but Aveline absorbs most of the damage and the Varterrel finally falls. Merrill is distraught to find that her Dalish kinsman died trying to get away from her. Chickene tries to calm her, saying there was nothing she could have done, but Merrill is convinced that someone is spreading rumors that she's dangerous. So, we head back down to the camp to talk to the Keeper.

Merrill respectfully presents Marethari with the amulets of the fallen Dalish, but gets hostile when she mentions that one of them seemed to think she was a bigger threat than the Varterrel. Marethari says that the eluvian is dangerous and it was her duty as Keeper to tell the clan this. She then says that it's not too late for Merrill to change her mind. Merrill tells her she has upheld her end of the bargain and expects the Keeper to do the same. So, Marethari presents us with the Arulin'Holm (a fancy elven word for 'magic knife') and asks us on behalf of the Dalish to keep it away from Merrill.

"Shall I ask it who the fairest of them all is? ...No, I'd best not. Don't want to get sued, now."

Back at Merrill's house in Kirkwall, we find her sitting in front of her mirror, admiring it. We press her for information about it and she says that the shards were corrupted when she first found them. She found a "spirit" who helped her "purify" them... using blood magic. Chickene goes on another tirade about how blood magic is dangerous and could never possibly purify anything. Merrill insists that blood magic isn't inherently evil and asks us whether or not we're going to give her the magic knife. Chickene opts to stay on her good side and gives her the Dalish artifact.

With that, three more of our companions are relatively happy with us. There are a couple of other companion quests we could perform, but one of them is for Anders and since Chickene is the primary healer, I'm not too concerned about him. Isabela rarely gets invited to our party either, since Varric is our rogue of choice. So, Chickene decides that he's probably put off the Qunari crisis for long enough and resolves to fix that next. Easier said than done? Probably, but just how badly is it going to go for Hawke? We'll find out soon enough.

Dragon Age II Playthrough - Fancy Pajamas Unlocked

Chapter two opens with Cassandra and Varric discussing Hawke again, and the Inquisitor admits that the details are not what she expected. Hopefully sensing an opportunity, Varric says she can let him go if she's heard enough. Cassandra says she definitely wants the whole story now, so Varric tells her that the riches Hawke earned from the expedition were enough to get him a mansion in Hightown. Specifically, it's the Amell estate that Leandra grew up in, with its basement freshly cleaned of the bloodstains of the previous inhabitants, who were probably slavers but who cares if they weren't? Hawke has newfound influence too, and Varric's narration cuts to Chickene entering the keep at the request of the Viscount himself. The Qunari have continued to be a problem in Kirkwall and apparently, the Arishok has summoned Hawke by name regarding a matter that he will discuss with no one else, not even the Viscount. Chickene badgers the Viscount about compensation before politely agreeing to help.

Outside the keep, we are met by Bodahn Feddic, who is out of breath and bearing good news. The last of the profits from our expedition have come in, and we add a sizeable amount of gold to our already healthy coinpurse. At this point, we learn that Bodahn has decided to pay off his debt to Hawke by becoming his personal manservant, which we never really asked for or wanted... especially because it means his creepy son Sandal is living in the mansion, too. We immediately head to Hawke's new place, expecting there will be much damage to assess, but thankfully it's in pretty good shape. Chickene decides to change into a new outfit when we arrive as well, which the game calls "Finery" but we're pretty sure it's just an expensive set of sleepwear. We just hope this isn't our new armor, too. No one will take us seriously if we're magically blasting darkspawn in our PJ's.

The outfit looked way nicer on the mannequin in the store. It always does.

Thankfully, Chickene changes back into his mage robes before heading out to the docks with Aveline, Fenris and Varric. The Qunari have not gotten any friendlier in the past year, and the Arishok is no exception. When Hawke approaches, he says that someone has stolen a fake formula for their explosives and we should hunt them down. Chickene bluntly says that this doesn't concern him and goes to leave. It's at this point that the Arishok mentions that the formula is really for a deadly nerve gas and he suspects that if a certain dwarven merchant got hold of it, he wouldn't test its effects before mass producing it. We ask Varric where we can find Javaris, and our narrator just happens to have heard that the dwarf's assets are up for sale by the local crime syndicate, so they might have some ideas. With that, we're off to Darktown to get more information.

When we arrive, a conveniently loud Coterie representative is telling anyone in Darktown who will listen that she is selling Javaris' remaining properties. Chickene approaches her and demands to know where the dwarf is hiding. She doesn't appreciate our tone but since she wouldn't mind seeing him get roughed up, she points us toward a smuggler's tunnel that Javaris used to get out of Kirkwall. She also tells us to give him a kick or two for her as we head down the passage and are confronted by... Coterie thugs. I thought these guys wanted us to track down Javaris and rough him up for them?

Hawke is a guy who obliterates people with spirit magic first and asks questions later, so we annihilate the thugs and follow the passage to its exit on the Wounded Coast, where Javaris has set up an ambush using a large group of hired mercenaries. Just like the last mercenaries he hired, who couldn't hack their way through giant spider webs to save their lives, these guys are no match for Hawke and his allies. We approach Javaris, who says he should have known the elf bitch set him up and asks us to give him a quick death. There's just one problem: we didn't talk to any elf bitch.

That's not a bad idea, Javaris, but I left my favorite pike back at the mansion....

It turns out that Javaris didn't steal from the Qunari, but an elf extremist apparently did and is framing the dwarf for her crime. Chickene decides he's wasted enough time on the Wounded Coast and heads back to Kirkwall to find this elf. We don't have to go far, as we run into a guardsman blocking off a Lowtown slum that is being filled with poisonous gas. Aveline asks him for a report and he says that between the toxic fumes and the thugs attacking anyone who tries to stop them, the city guard is powerless to do much more than quarantine the area.

Chickene was about to ask if he really has to do this, but Aveline's icy death glare is the only answer he needs.

Naturally, it falls to Hawke to see how long he can hold his breath and seal the barrels of nerve gas. We do this by finding discarded valves laying on the ground and reuniting them with their barrel friends. All the while, a small army of mercenaries are dropping down from nearby buildings. This could have been a sequence that required close attention to detail on the part of Chickene, the party healer, but it's more an inconvenience than anything else... until the elf bitch shows up to find out who messed with her barrels.

She gives us a villain monologue about how the Qunari are abducting elves and Kirkwall's leaders are doing nothing about it. So, she decided to gas the slums with a Qunari weapon to make it look like the oxmen finally attacked. She then muses that she could really use a high-profile victim like Hawke to spark enough outrage and tells us the massacre will end with our deaths.

A smarter protagonist would have asked what she meant by "your people". But Chickene was tired of hearing her talk.

This fight is a bit more difficult, but the crazy elf with the greatsword didn't realize we brought our own elf with a greatsword. Ours has lyrium tattoos and more experience, and Fenris takes her down while Hawke, Aveline and Varric handle her cronies. The city guard rushes into the area-- after the fight is over, of course-- to thank us for saving what lives we could. Now all that's left is the unpleasant business of telling the Arishok and the Viscount.

We talk to the Arishok first, and politely inform him that people are trying to make the Qunari look bad. He grumbles about the lack of order in this city. Chickene gets grouchy too and asks the Qunari why they don't leave if they hate it so much. The Arishok finally admits that their line about "waiting for a ship" was a lie and they are not allowed to go home because they lost something. He ends our not-so-pleasant conversation by saying we should be grateful that it's not his job to fix Kirkwall.

We slowly come to the realization that by "fix Kirkwall", the Arishok doesn't mean the city's atrocious sewer system.

Hawke then goes to the viscount and fills him in on the details. Stating the obvious, Viscount Dumar says this is a bad sign because the Qunari had at least pretended to be cordial until now. He also says he has another problem: a couple of delegates sent by the Arishok have gone missing. Predictably, the viscount wants Hawke to be the one to find the delegates before word gets back to the Arishok. Before we get on that though, Aveline wants to see us in the barracks.

The new captain of the guard has asked us, in confidence, to deliver a secret package to one of her men, no questions asked. Clearly this is some kind of important, clandestine operation masterminded by our friend Aveline. This is the solid, tactical Fereldan thinking that won us the war against the darkspawn. Chickene is happy to deliver the package to Donnic, which turns out to be... a copper relief of marigolds. Ha! A CUNNING secret code!

"Forgive me, Serah Hawke, but I can't tell if that's optimism or just blind stupidity."

Varric, however, sees Aveline's reaction when we tell her the job is done and realizes she was trying to give a gift to a guy she has a crush on. So that's disappointing. Chickene grumps at her for not being more straightforward, before proceeding to accept every half-baked idea she and our companions come up with to fix the situation. First, Aveline gives him a cushy patrol, which Donnic thinks is a punishment. Then, Varric suggests they just get drunk together at the Hanged Man, but Aveline is too embarrassed to even meet him. Lastly, we decide they should go on patrol together while we scout ahead to make sure their patrol is a quiet one. Despite our proven track record of solving problems with violence, Aveline is unable to find a romantic topic of conversation while tiptoeing through the bodies of recently slain bandits.

Hawke and friends finally confront her at the end of her patrol and straight-up tell Donnic that Aveline is attracted to him. He awkwardly heads back to the barracks. Aveline is pissed. Later, at the barracks, she is trying to decide if she should try to head this off or just resign now. Before she can act, Donnic shows up and tells us he'd like to talk to Aveline alone in her office. She expects the worst, but the giggling coming from her office a short time later tells us that our convoluted mission has apparently been a success.

Ahh, the expressions of two lovebirds. Stoic, armored lovebirds.

So, you could say that chapter two is off to a rocky start. We partially thwarted a terrorist attack, but neither the Arishok or the Viscount are particularly happy about it. On the plus side, we helped the captain of the guard find romance and that might come in handy when the Qunari turn hostile and we need guardsmen to protect our new house. Our other companions are dropping hints that they want our help with their own personal affairs, though. I guess this is what happens when you're nice to people... 50% of the time, anyway....

Dragon Age II Playthrough - Deep Hurting

I'm going to fast forward a bit at this point, since even the main quests in Act One have gold as the primary motivation, and don't have significant bearing on the plot to come. In brief: an unscrupulous Chantry sister pays us to smuggle a Qunari mage out of the city, secretly hoping we'd be caught in the attempt. The viscount's son ran away to spend quiet nights on a beach with yet another Qunari, though he insists he was only interested in his "wisdom". There's also some more business with the Templars, what with some recruits getting abducted by blood mages, while another Templar hires us because he doesn't want a group of runaway mages to get slaughtered by an overzealous colleague. The important thing is, Chickene Hawke finally gets enough gold to become a partner in Bartrand's expedition.

Bartrand is his usual, grumpy self when we go to see him in the Merchants' District of Hightown, automatically assuming we're here to beg for a job as guards again. Then he sees Varric is with us, and realizes that this conversation is going to be a bigger headache than he thought. We shut him up by pulling out the Grey Wardens' maps of the Deep Roads plus 50 gold sovereigns to fund the expedition as his partner. Bartrand is skeptical at first, but Varric reminds him that this is exactly the opportunity he has been waiting for. The maps prove to be too valuable to refuse and he gruffly accepts our offer.

We hand him 50 gold and a legitimate treasure map, and he's complaining about it. Yeah, this guy is going to be a joy to travel with.

A few days later, Bartrand has assembled all of his hirelings and is giving an inspirational speech about deflowering the Deep Roads. It's possible we misunderstood the intent of this expedition, but it's too late to back out now. Before we can head out though, Hawke's mother shows up and begs us not to take Carver with us. Chickene is not entirely sure why she's concerned since Carver is a pain in the ass to deal with and we had no intention of bringing him. Carver is, predictably, annoyed with us because despite all his bluster about wanting to find his own path in life, he assumed he was going to be part of this Deep Roadshow. Chickene decides he just wants to make his mother happy and selects Fenris and Merrill to accompany him and Varric to the Deep Roads.

The Chantry inquisitor, Cassandra, interrupts the story again because she's convinced Hawke had some other motivation for going into the Deep Roads beyond getting rich. She also doesn't believe that it was a coincidence that we wound up working with the Grey Warden apostate, Anders. Varric ominously says that none of them knew what was waiting for us in the Deep Roads and asks Cassandra not to remind him that he was the one who introduced Hawke to Anders in the first place. Cassandra decides this is enough plot exposition for now, and lets Varric continue.

We catch up with Hawke and friends early in their expedition, where they have already found their path blocked by debris. Bartrand does not take this well, to put it mildly, and orders the whole expedition to set up camp. Varric calms him down somewhat and says he and Chickene will find a way around this bothersome little cave-in. Bartrand is too annoyed to contradict his little brother, and sends us off.

Like I said, a joy to travel with.

Before we can start exploring however, Bodahn Feddic (who has also signed on with this expedition for reasons unknown) stops us to say that his son Sandal has wandered off. Sandal is a bit whimsical in the brainpan but he has a useful talent for enchanting weapons and armor, so we tell Bodahn we'll look for the kid.

With that, we're back to the good old days of skulking through the Deep Roads and killing darkspawn, just like in the Orzammar section of Dragon Age: Origins! ...Wait, that part of the game wasn't too great. Okay, so Hawke and friends tear through the darkspawn as quickly as possible and hope they don't run into a Broodmother. Fortunately, we're nowhere near the Anvil of the Void and as promised, the horde isn't as dense as it used to be. We don't go far before we see something kinda freaky, though.

"Umm, humans? I don't want to be a bother, but... my nose REALLY itches. If one of you could just...?"

Several darkspawn are glowing with a magical white light, seemingly frozen in time. In the middle of them stands Sandal, nonchalantly scratching his ass. Chickene asks him what the hell happened and Sandal's only reply is to hand him a stone and say "boom." Chickene politely asks him to clarify but all he says is, it's "not enchantment."

We back away slowly from the increasingly creepy dwarven man-child and run straight into a dragon's lair. This beast has plenty of hit points and minions, but it's not a high dragon and it's no match for a pair of mages, an elf with anger issues and a crossbow named Bianca. Upon defeating it, we find spiffy new robes for Chickene and a tunnel that bypasses the cave-in that's holding up the expedition. Time to head back and tell Bartrand the good news, before the darkspawn change their minds about not being so annoying. We also reunite Bodahn with his son, and he says he'll find a way to repay us for this great debt he now owes us. Chickene brusquely replies that he doesn't believe this false gratitude, but Bodahn is sincere and assures us he'll think of something.

Because when someone says they owe you a great debt and want to repay you, the first thing you should do is mock them.

Now that a path has been found, the expedition continues through the Deep Roads until we reach our goal: an elaborate dwarven ruin unlike anything else we've seen underground. Bartrand, sounding dazed, says he came here based on rumors about a great treasure from a group of dwarves who barely made it out of the Deep Roads alive, but this is beyond his expectations. The expedition splits up to maximize their chances of finding precious things, including Hawke and company who head to an ancient temple of some kind. It's not long before we find something valuable... an idol made of pure lyrium. Varric grabs it, tells his brother the good news and tosses him the relic. Bartrand tells us to keep looking in a suspicious tone of voice, then seals us inside the temple.

I'm sure the ominous, evil glow of the idol has nothing to do with this sudden change of heart.

Varric curses his brother for succumbing to greed, but there's a back door to this temple and we're hoping it leads to another exit. We're also hoping that stepping foot inside this ancient temple hasn't awoken an equally ancient evil, but what kind of RPG would this be if that was true? Deeper into the ruins, we find ourselves coming under attack by the rocks themselves. Specifically, humanoid-shaped creatures made of rock shards held together with electric red magical energy. Varric identifies them as rock wraiths, but thought they were only myths. Naturally, it's only a matter of time before we run into a bigger one.

In a large antechamber, we find a big rock wraith that apparently knows how to talk. It refers to the creatures we've been fighting as the Profane and when Chickene asks what they are, it simply replies, "they hunger." We're convinced that Sinistar is somehow involved at this point and start looking around desperately for Sinibombs, until Merrill informs us this is just a hunger demon. The demon continues, saying it knows we're seeking a way out and it can provide that for us, and all it asks in return is that we allow it to continue feasting with these creatures. Chickene tells it we're not going to play its hunger game (a bad joke Merrill totally disapproves of) and we destroy it.

"You will pay for your insolence. By which I mean, the city of Kirkwall levies heavy taxes on imported dwarven artifacts."

Having defeated a demon and feeling confident that nothing else can go wrong, Hawke leads his party deeper into the temple and quickly discovers that yes, rock wraiths come in even bigger sizes. Several rocks in the next room coalesce into a large mass wearing a name tag identifying it as an "Ancient Rock Wraith" and the boss fight begins. This being can not only hit as hard as its little brothers, it can also channel its energy to create a dazzling laser light show that deals massive damage to party members' retinas if they look directly at it. Thankfully, our companions' AI is smart enough to duck behind a stone pillar with us when this attack occurs. Chickene finally makes good use of his healing spells as he and his companions put the wraith through the rock tumbler and reduce it to harmless, tastefully polished pebbles.

In the adjacent room, we discover that this ancient rock wraith had assembled a treasure collection even greater than the dragon's little horde. Varric remarks on his brother's stupidity again by saying that this is worth far more than the lyrium idol he walked away with. Shortly thereafter, we discover a path that will lead us out of the Deep Roads and back to Kirkwall with our hides and our profits fully intact. Varric is relieved, but is still hoping to stumble over Bartrand's dead body on the way out.

The game skips the long journey back to Kirkwall and takes Chickene back to Gamlen's dingy hovel in Lowtown so he can tell his mother the good news. We open the door to see Carver is here, too... and he's wearing some new, familiar-looking armor. It turns out that when we decided not to take him with us, he figured out the best way to make a name for himself in Kirkwall: as a member of the Templars. He tells us to not even bother trying to talk him out of it. Chickene assures him that he doesn't give a damn what Carver does with his life. Besides, we've done the Templars' work for them on several occasions, they've never outed us as an apostate, and they actually pay us! They're practically allies at this point; having a family member in the order just shores up that relationship. Leandra Hawke is still distraught, but we have plans to buy her something nice to cheer her up.

"Andraste's tits. I'm only upset because the ugliest of my three kids is the one I'm going to have to see every day."

Thus ends chapter one of Dragon Age II! In the next chapter, you all can look forward to the Qunari continuing to be problematic, the mages and Templars continuing to be at odds with one another, and Chickene compulsively being rude to his friends and people who need his help. Will there be romance as well? Perhaps. There's always the Blooming Rose, after all.