Dragon Age II Playthrough - Fancy Pajamas Unlocked

Chapter two opens with Cassandra and Varric discussing Hawke again, and the Inquisitor admits that the details are not what she expected. Hopefully sensing an opportunity, Varric says she can let him go if she's heard enough. Cassandra says she definitely wants the whole story now, so Varric tells her that the riches Hawke earned from the expedition were enough to get him a mansion in Hightown. Specifically, it's the Amell estate that Leandra grew up in, with its basement freshly cleaned of the bloodstains of the previous inhabitants, who were probably slavers but who cares if they weren't? Hawke has newfound influence too, and Varric's narration cuts to Chickene entering the keep at the request of the Viscount himself. The Qunari have continued to be a problem in Kirkwall and apparently, the Arishok has summoned Hawke by name regarding a matter that he will discuss with no one else, not even the Viscount. Chickene badgers the Viscount about compensation before politely agreeing to help.

Outside the keep, we are met by Bodahn Feddic, who is out of breath and bearing good news. The last of the profits from our expedition have come in, and we add a sizeable amount of gold to our already healthy coinpurse. At this point, we learn that Bodahn has decided to pay off his debt to Hawke by becoming his personal manservant, which we never really asked for or wanted... especially because it means his creepy son Sandal is living in the mansion, too. We immediately head to Hawke's new place, expecting there will be much damage to assess, but thankfully it's in pretty good shape. Chickene decides to change into a new outfit when we arrive as well, which the game calls "Finery" but we're pretty sure it's just an expensive set of sleepwear. We just hope this isn't our new armor, too. No one will take us seriously if we're magically blasting darkspawn in our PJ's.

The outfit looked way nicer on the mannequin in the store. It always does.

Thankfully, Chickene changes back into his mage robes before heading out to the docks with Aveline, Fenris and Varric. The Qunari have not gotten any friendlier in the past year, and the Arishok is no exception. When Hawke approaches, he says that someone has stolen a fake formula for their explosives and we should hunt them down. Chickene bluntly says that this doesn't concern him and goes to leave. It's at this point that the Arishok mentions that the formula is really for a deadly nerve gas and he suspects that if a certain dwarven merchant got hold of it, he wouldn't test its effects before mass producing it. We ask Varric where we can find Javaris, and our narrator just happens to have heard that the dwarf's assets are up for sale by the local crime syndicate, so they might have some ideas. With that, we're off to Darktown to get more information.

When we arrive, a conveniently loud Coterie representative is telling anyone in Darktown who will listen that she is selling Javaris' remaining properties. Chickene approaches her and demands to know where the dwarf is hiding. She doesn't appreciate our tone but since she wouldn't mind seeing him get roughed up, she points us toward a smuggler's tunnel that Javaris used to get out of Kirkwall. She also tells us to give him a kick or two for her as we head down the passage and are confronted by... Coterie thugs. I thought these guys wanted us to track down Javaris and rough him up for them?

Hawke is a guy who obliterates people with spirit magic first and asks questions later, so we annihilate the thugs and follow the passage to its exit on the Wounded Coast, where Javaris has set up an ambush using a large group of hired mercenaries. Just like the last mercenaries he hired, who couldn't hack their way through giant spider webs to save their lives, these guys are no match for Hawke and his allies. We approach Javaris, who says he should have known the elf bitch set him up and asks us to give him a quick death. There's just one problem: we didn't talk to any elf bitch.

That's not a bad idea, Javaris, but I left my favorite pike back at the mansion....

It turns out that Javaris didn't steal from the Qunari, but an elf extremist apparently did and is framing the dwarf for her crime. Chickene decides he's wasted enough time on the Wounded Coast and heads back to Kirkwall to find this elf. We don't have to go far, as we run into a guardsman blocking off a Lowtown slum that is being filled with poisonous gas. Aveline asks him for a report and he says that between the toxic fumes and the thugs attacking anyone who tries to stop them, the city guard is powerless to do much more than quarantine the area.

Chickene was about to ask if he really has to do this, but Aveline's icy death glare is the only answer he needs.

Naturally, it falls to Hawke to see how long he can hold his breath and seal the barrels of nerve gas. We do this by finding discarded valves laying on the ground and reuniting them with their barrel friends. All the while, a small army of mercenaries are dropping down from nearby buildings. This could have been a sequence that required close attention to detail on the part of Chickene, the party healer, but it's more an inconvenience than anything else... until the elf bitch shows up to find out who messed with her barrels.

She gives us a villain monologue about how the Qunari are abducting elves and Kirkwall's leaders are doing nothing about it. So, she decided to gas the slums with a Qunari weapon to make it look like the oxmen finally attacked. She then muses that she could really use a high-profile victim like Hawke to spark enough outrage and tells us the massacre will end with our deaths.

A smarter protagonist would have asked what she meant by "your people". But Chickene was tired of hearing her talk.

This fight is a bit more difficult, but the crazy elf with the greatsword didn't realize we brought our own elf with a greatsword. Ours has lyrium tattoos and more experience, and Fenris takes her down while Hawke, Aveline and Varric handle her cronies. The city guard rushes into the area-- after the fight is over, of course-- to thank us for saving what lives we could. Now all that's left is the unpleasant business of telling the Arishok and the Viscount.

We talk to the Arishok first, and politely inform him that people are trying to make the Qunari look bad. He grumbles about the lack of order in this city. Chickene gets grouchy too and asks the Qunari why they don't leave if they hate it so much. The Arishok finally admits that their line about "waiting for a ship" was a lie and they are not allowed to go home because they lost something. He ends our not-so-pleasant conversation by saying we should be grateful that it's not his job to fix Kirkwall.

We slowly come to the realization that by "fix Kirkwall", the Arishok doesn't mean the city's atrocious sewer system.

Hawke then goes to the viscount and fills him in on the details. Stating the obvious, Viscount Dumar says this is a bad sign because the Qunari had at least pretended to be cordial until now. He also says he has another problem: a couple of delegates sent by the Arishok have gone missing. Predictably, the viscount wants Hawke to be the one to find the delegates before word gets back to the Arishok. Before we get on that though, Aveline wants to see us in the barracks.

The new captain of the guard has asked us, in confidence, to deliver a secret package to one of her men, no questions asked. Clearly this is some kind of important, clandestine operation masterminded by our friend Aveline. This is the solid, tactical Fereldan thinking that won us the war against the darkspawn. Chickene is happy to deliver the package to Donnic, which turns out to be... a copper relief of marigolds. Ha! A CUNNING secret code!

"Forgive me, Serah Hawke, but I can't tell if that's optimism or just blind stupidity."

Varric, however, sees Aveline's reaction when we tell her the job is done and realizes she was trying to give a gift to a guy she has a crush on. So that's disappointing. Chickene grumps at her for not being more straightforward, before proceeding to accept every half-baked idea she and our companions come up with to fix the situation. First, Aveline gives him a cushy patrol, which Donnic thinks is a punishment. Then, Varric suggests they just get drunk together at the Hanged Man, but Aveline is too embarrassed to even meet him. Lastly, we decide they should go on patrol together while we scout ahead to make sure their patrol is a quiet one. Despite our proven track record of solving problems with violence, Aveline is unable to find a romantic topic of conversation while tiptoeing through the bodies of recently slain bandits.

Hawke and friends finally confront her at the end of her patrol and straight-up tell Donnic that Aveline is attracted to him. He awkwardly heads back to the barracks. Aveline is pissed. Later, at the barracks, she is trying to decide if she should try to head this off or just resign now. Before she can act, Donnic shows up and tells us he'd like to talk to Aveline alone in her office. She expects the worst, but the giggling coming from her office a short time later tells us that our convoluted mission has apparently been a success.

Ahh, the expressions of two lovebirds. Stoic, armored lovebirds.

So, you could say that chapter two is off to a rocky start. We partially thwarted a terrorist attack, but neither the Arishok or the Viscount are particularly happy about it. On the plus side, we helped the captain of the guard find romance and that might come in handy when the Qunari turn hostile and we need guardsmen to protect our new house. Our other companions are dropping hints that they want our help with their own personal affairs, though. I guess this is what happens when you're nice to people... 50% of the time, anyway....

Dragon Age II Playthrough - Deep Hurting

I'm going to fast forward a bit at this point, since even the main quests in Act One have gold as the primary motivation, and don't have significant bearing on the plot to come. In brief: an unscrupulous Chantry sister pays us to smuggle a Qunari mage out of the city, secretly hoping we'd be caught in the attempt. The viscount's son ran away to spend quiet nights on a beach with yet another Qunari, though he insists he was only interested in his "wisdom". There's also some more business with the Templars, what with some recruits getting abducted by blood mages, while another Templar hires us because he doesn't want a group of runaway mages to get slaughtered by an overzealous colleague. The important thing is, Chickene Hawke finally gets enough gold to become a partner in Bartrand's expedition.

Bartrand is his usual, grumpy self when we go to see him in the Merchants' District of Hightown, automatically assuming we're here to beg for a job as guards again. Then he sees Varric is with us, and realizes that this conversation is going to be a bigger headache than he thought. We shut him up by pulling out the Grey Wardens' maps of the Deep Roads plus 50 gold sovereigns to fund the expedition as his partner. Bartrand is skeptical at first, but Varric reminds him that this is exactly the opportunity he has been waiting for. The maps prove to be too valuable to refuse and he gruffly accepts our offer.

We hand him 50 gold and a legitimate treasure map, and he's complaining about it. Yeah, this guy is going to be a joy to travel with.

A few days later, Bartrand has assembled all of his hirelings and is giving an inspirational speech about deflowering the Deep Roads. It's possible we misunderstood the intent of this expedition, but it's too late to back out now. Before we can head out though, Hawke's mother shows up and begs us not to take Carver with us. Chickene is not entirely sure why she's concerned since Carver is a pain in the ass to deal with and we had no intention of bringing him. Carver is, predictably, annoyed with us because despite all his bluster about wanting to find his own path in life, he assumed he was going to be part of this Deep Roadshow. Chickene decides he just wants to make his mother happy and selects Fenris and Merrill to accompany him and Varric to the Deep Roads.

The Chantry inquisitor, Cassandra, interrupts the story again because she's convinced Hawke had some other motivation for going into the Deep Roads beyond getting rich. She also doesn't believe that it was a coincidence that we wound up working with the Grey Warden apostate, Anders. Varric ominously says that none of them knew what was waiting for us in the Deep Roads and asks Cassandra not to remind him that he was the one who introduced Hawke to Anders in the first place. Cassandra decides this is enough plot exposition for now, and lets Varric continue.

We catch up with Hawke and friends early in their expedition, where they have already found their path blocked by debris. Bartrand does not take this well, to put it mildly, and orders the whole expedition to set up camp. Varric calms him down somewhat and says he and Chickene will find a way around this bothersome little cave-in. Bartrand is too annoyed to contradict his little brother, and sends us off.

Like I said, a joy to travel with.

Before we can start exploring however, Bodahn Feddic (who has also signed on with this expedition for reasons unknown) stops us to say that his son Sandal has wandered off. Sandal is a bit whimsical in the brainpan but he has a useful talent for enchanting weapons and armor, so we tell Bodahn we'll look for the kid.

With that, we're back to the good old days of skulking through the Deep Roads and killing darkspawn, just like in the Orzammar section of Dragon Age: Origins! ...Wait, that part of the game wasn't too great. Okay, so Hawke and friends tear through the darkspawn as quickly as possible and hope they don't run into a Broodmother. Fortunately, we're nowhere near the Anvil of the Void and as promised, the horde isn't as dense as it used to be. We don't go far before we see something kinda freaky, though.

"Umm, humans? I don't want to be a bother, but... my nose REALLY itches. If one of you could just...?"

Several darkspawn are glowing with a magical white light, seemingly frozen in time. In the middle of them stands Sandal, nonchalantly scratching his ass. Chickene asks him what the hell happened and Sandal's only reply is to hand him a stone and say "boom." Chickene politely asks him to clarify but all he says is, it's "not enchantment."

We back away slowly from the increasingly creepy dwarven man-child and run straight into a dragon's lair. This beast has plenty of hit points and minions, but it's not a high dragon and it's no match for a pair of mages, an elf with anger issues and a crossbow named Bianca. Upon defeating it, we find spiffy new robes for Chickene and a tunnel that bypasses the cave-in that's holding up the expedition. Time to head back and tell Bartrand the good news, before the darkspawn change their minds about not being so annoying. We also reunite Bodahn with his son, and he says he'll find a way to repay us for this great debt he now owes us. Chickene brusquely replies that he doesn't believe this false gratitude, but Bodahn is sincere and assures us he'll think of something.

Because when someone says they owe you a great debt and want to repay you, the first thing you should do is mock them.

Now that a path has been found, the expedition continues through the Deep Roads until we reach our goal: an elaborate dwarven ruin unlike anything else we've seen underground. Bartrand, sounding dazed, says he came here based on rumors about a great treasure from a group of dwarves who barely made it out of the Deep Roads alive, but this is beyond his expectations. The expedition splits up to maximize their chances of finding precious things, including Hawke and company who head to an ancient temple of some kind. It's not long before we find something valuable... an idol made of pure lyrium. Varric grabs it, tells his brother the good news and tosses him the relic. Bartrand tells us to keep looking in a suspicious tone of voice, then seals us inside the temple.

I'm sure the ominous, evil glow of the idol has nothing to do with this sudden change of heart.

Varric curses his brother for succumbing to greed, but there's a back door to this temple and we're hoping it leads to another exit. We're also hoping that stepping foot inside this ancient temple hasn't awoken an equally ancient evil, but what kind of RPG would this be if that was true? Deeper into the ruins, we find ourselves coming under attack by the rocks themselves. Specifically, humanoid-shaped creatures made of rock shards held together with electric red magical energy. Varric identifies them as rock wraiths, but thought they were only myths. Naturally, it's only a matter of time before we run into a bigger one.

In a large antechamber, we find a big rock wraith that apparently knows how to talk. It refers to the creatures we've been fighting as the Profane and when Chickene asks what they are, it simply replies, "they hunger." We're convinced that Sinistar is somehow involved at this point and start looking around desperately for Sinibombs, until Merrill informs us this is just a hunger demon. The demon continues, saying it knows we're seeking a way out and it can provide that for us, and all it asks in return is that we allow it to continue feasting with these creatures. Chickene tells it we're not going to play its hunger game (a bad joke Merrill totally disapproves of) and we destroy it.

"You will pay for your insolence. By which I mean, the city of Kirkwall levies heavy taxes on imported dwarven artifacts."

Having defeated a demon and feeling confident that nothing else can go wrong, Hawke leads his party deeper into the temple and quickly discovers that yes, rock wraiths come in even bigger sizes. Several rocks in the next room coalesce into a large mass wearing a name tag identifying it as an "Ancient Rock Wraith" and the boss fight begins. This being can not only hit as hard as its little brothers, it can also channel its energy to create a dazzling laser light show that deals massive damage to party members' retinas if they look directly at it. Thankfully, our companions' AI is smart enough to duck behind a stone pillar with us when this attack occurs. Chickene finally makes good use of his healing spells as he and his companions put the wraith through the rock tumbler and reduce it to harmless, tastefully polished pebbles.

In the adjacent room, we discover that this ancient rock wraith had assembled a treasure collection even greater than the dragon's little horde. Varric remarks on his brother's stupidity again by saying that this is worth far more than the lyrium idol he walked away with. Shortly thereafter, we discover a path that will lead us out of the Deep Roads and back to Kirkwall with our hides and our profits fully intact. Varric is relieved, but is still hoping to stumble over Bartrand's dead body on the way out.

The game skips the long journey back to Kirkwall and takes Chickene back to Gamlen's dingy hovel in Lowtown so he can tell his mother the good news. We open the door to see Carver is here, too... and he's wearing some new, familiar-looking armor. It turns out that when we decided not to take him with us, he figured out the best way to make a name for himself in Kirkwall: as a member of the Templars. He tells us to not even bother trying to talk him out of it. Chickene assures him that he doesn't give a damn what Carver does with his life. Besides, we've done the Templars' work for them on several occasions, they've never outed us as an apostate, and they actually pay us! They're practically allies at this point; having a family member in the order just shores up that relationship. Leandra Hawke is still distraught, but we have plans to buy her something nice to cheer her up.

"Andraste's tits. I'm only upset because the ugliest of my three kids is the one I'm going to have to see every day."

Thus ends chapter one of Dragon Age II! In the next chapter, you all can look forward to the Qunari continuing to be problematic, the mages and Templars continuing to be at odds with one another, and Chickene compulsively being rude to his friends and people who need his help. Will there be romance as well? Perhaps. There's always the Blooming Rose, after all.